Category: Relationships

I had the unique opportunity to watch a relationship burn out with access to both sides of the relationship. I tried my best to get my friends issues sorted out, but there would be so many conversations that would run in circles, that in the end – I decided to sit on the sidelines and observe as I felt that I had nothing to offer.

From his end – I saw that he wanted to fix things, but his ego tripped him up – he termed it as self-respect but I saw it as his ego and we bantered back and forth until finally I too gave up.

But it got me thinking about self-respect, ego and how you can identify Mr.Ego if you come across him.

So defining it, Self-Respect is concerned with how we value ourselves according to our own standard of worthiness, it deals with how we value our own integrity and to have the ability to be ashamed if we fail to live up to our own opinion of what one should do and how one should be.

Ego is concerned with how we perceive others according to our own standard of worthiness, it deals with how we value others if they fail to live up to our own opinion of what one should do and how one should be.

And if you think you have a Mr. Ego in your life, see how many of these characteristics he shows:

Talks a lot about himself – Mr. Ego needs to hear himself talk about how his life is doing and how well he is coping with his daily struggles at work, with his friends etc . If any topic you talk about takes a turn about himself – then that’s a sign that you have a Mr. Ego in your life.

Knows better – Mr. Ego knows about everything and everyone – He cannot be wrong, and if he is, then he did not have all the facts initially to make a proper judgement in the first place and that’s all your fault too.

Let’s Compare – Mr. Ego can only be satiated when he can constantly compare himself to others and feel superior. Even worst, he tends to compete with you- the so called love of his life because he needs to constantly feel better about himself.

So many faults – Mr Ego is the first one to point your faults and make sure to tell you when you are wrong- Criticism is his forte – constructive criticism not so much. If he is the first to  point out why your clothes don’t look good but never a compliment when you are dressed well…. that’s Mr.Ego.

Make me feel better – Mr. Ego needs you to make himself feel better. Your love and affection feeds his self-value. Even if he knows the relationship is doomed, he will continue as he needs his daily boost of self-worth.

Jealous much? – Mr Ego is an immaculate time keeper -He needs to know where you are and who are you talking to – Out for a party – he needs to know what time you will get back – That old flame you still are friends with? – Nope those things don’t happen in Mr. Ego’s world.

ME first – Mr. Ego needs to protect himself before anyone else. Try to have a discussion and see Mr. Ego disappear faster than you can say “we need to talk”. He will justify his actions by blaming you to be too sensitive, and try to make you feel responsible for him running away.

We all have an ego but we need to learn to keep it in check, otherwise it will destroy your relationship with anger, jealousy and resentment. Do yourself a favor and let Mr. Ego walk away, seek a person who loves himself first – if a man cannot love himself – he will never truly be able to love you.

Talking is so much easier that doing, I got myself into a tizzy with yesterday’s post about introspection and tried my best to start the process – Life as usual got in the way and so I took a timeout , thought very carefully about how I should start and today I managed to get it done.What I learned:

Me Time – You need time to think and not be interrupted – for me I find it’s either taking a walk in the morning or sitting on my sofa sipping my espresso. The essential element is that you cannot be interrupted. To make it a habit I am going to do it the same time every day.
Ask Yourself Questions – Got into “me time” mode now it’s time to ask yourself questions that might be challenging to answer. Some of these questions are open ended and I was quite surprised at my own answers.
For starters, I asked myself:
• What do I love about myself the most?
• What am I passionate about?
• What makes me angry?
• If I had all the money in the world how would I spend my time?
Well these were enough to set me on my journey – I think each of us should create our own set of questions to reflect what is most important to them – Easy method – ask yourself – What do I want to know more about myself.
No Judgement – Yes your answers have the potential to shock or amuse you. The answers are yours and only yours – They are a part of you and you have to remember not to judge yourself based on them. It will take time for you to get used to it, but remember to answer truthfully to make this experience worthwhile.
Write it down – I keep my answers on a journal – I would love to go back, look at them and see how my thoughts have changed. For me, it took a few hours for me to change /add to my answers, leaving me to reflect on how we assume that we are what we are isn’t really true at all.
Repeat – Once I finished with my initial set of question, I had a look at them in the evening and added a few more points and removed some more after some reflection. Next time around I am a few more questions I want to think about and I hope that this routine will help me gain the self-knowledge I want.

Thank you – words are not enough to express my gratitude to all my friends. Thank you for surprising me and organizing my day. I am overwhelmed by your love and eternally thankful.

And so soon I start another year in my life, a milestone achieved and with milestones comes reflection time. For me I think i have settled into knowing my flaws are never going to be completely overcome, no matter how hard I try. Life is a spiral and with every level , I want to be a better version of myself – start level 40 with being indignant at other people’s ignorance and reach level 41 where I am now more tolerant and try to figure out where the ignorance stems from. Now I am less judgmental and seek to understand and accept. Another spiral and a better version of me – 4.1 – newer and improved !

I guess that is what one can really do in life – better oneself in every way – accept that you are flawed and work at improving  daily- be it my addiction to chocolate and my aversion to exercise – work at each and every little bit to make a better me.

Often it is the case that  pride has resulted in being the central cause of a broken relationship, and our ego’s are the walls that prevent reconciliation and therefore stop us from our own happiness.

Pride is that comfortable pillow that we can snuggle to when we feel that we have been hurt by someone but it can also prevent you from reconnecting from people after a conflict.When we get hurt, we tend to use pride as a way to hurt the other party back in a passive way , typical is the knee jerk reaction of cutting off contact or making conversation with the other party as cold as possible while they are trying to reconcile.  Realize that both parties have some portion of blame in the cause and effect of a conflict. It is the easiest thing to raise your hands and say that none of it is your fault, and it is very difficult to overcome pride and be the first person to step forward to prevent the relationship to deteriorate further.

Having said that, keep in mind that reconciliation has to be a joint effort wherein both parties must resolve to understand each other better.  Extend the olive branch but make sure that you don’t reach a point of time wherein you want to use it as a whip 🙂

Yes I know it’s always easy to blame the other party, but I feel that sometimes we need to think introspectively, stop and have an inner monologue to decipher what really is the crux of any problem in the relationship.  Benign things – a misheard word, an off the cuff remark, an honest opinion not asked for can at times be the bud from where the annoyance starts and ends up with a full blown rage that can derail any relationship.

It is very difficult to take blame and easier to find fault in others, but sometimes,just sometimes – asking yourself the question – what is this really about? , can lead to opening doors that you never knew existed.